During a recent community gathering, I inadvertently found myself trapped between a group, or, would that better put be, a “pack” of females, all of whom during continued parlance undeniably sealed the confirmation that a serious problem exists with our females.
And I am not referring to the young females (a different basket of herrings), because they fall into a generation uniquely on the wrong track, with an entirely different set of factors, issues and influences.
Now I know, based on what I’m going to say, I will merit the sideways glance reserved for little kids who put empty containers back in the refrigerator But bear with me and read the article to the end before beginning any form of verbal or moral castigation.
It is now apparent that after the white man, the Black man is being blamed for the woes of our Black sisters.
Yes, what is wrong with Black women are Black men. The brothers are being blamed for the problems of the sisters. Well, no more name shaming or game blaming; instead, let us look collectively at this issue with a view towards a change.
Some readers of this article may say that nothing is wrong with them, and this may be correct, but sadly, too many of you are wrong, but again that is not my point.
A dozen or so Black women that you know who do not fit in this box do not mean many of you do not have a problem.
I have been involved with the community for more years than I care to recall, and women and the same problems, attitudes and behaviors keep surfacing. That is what prompted me to write this article.
Current behavior of Black females is helping to keep Black men at bay, in addition to the fact that too many Black women are condescending, negative and confrontational at the drop of a hat and that is also a problem.
Ladies, the next man you date is not responsible for the actions of the last man you chose to date, and taking advantage of men who do not stand up to you is simply wrong all the way around. A great many of you need to breathe, not just exhale.
Is this message applicable to every one of you? No, but many.
Are African-American men perfect? For that matter, is any ethnic group perfect? No.
But none of these points address the real issue of what’s wrong with the African-American woman.
I am writing this article so the Black woman can look in the mirror and to help her understand what is going on: why she’s angry, and why she blames the African-American man for so many of her problems.
I came from a balanced good-ole-fashioned two-parent household where roles were clearly defined.
The mirror of hearts and attitudes never lie so when you look in that mirror, what do you see? Many of you ladies are angry and suffering from a damaged spirit because things did not go your way, or have a damaged psyche because your fathers were absent, either because they were irresponsible or were driven away by your mothers, the drama queens.
Now you have come to the full realization that Mom cannot be the father because she is neither built nor created to be the dad.
God is perfect and not the author of confusion. Without the positive influence of a father, you did not have a standard to apply when selecting a good man. As a consequence, you picked like most females do, ‘cluelessly’. You picked a lemon and got a lemon. But were you a lemon as well?
You are constantly searching for empowerment because deep inside you feel less than you should. You even try to look like European or Caucasian women—hair wise. You define yourself by your looks, your body and what others think about you.
Some women are angry because in relationships they got what they wanted, but not what they needed. They picked the male partner based on shallow and superficial things that were guaranteed to change. They chose the bad boy, only to discover that a coin has two sides, and the other side of the coin was much worse than the side they liked and wanted. On the other hand they have tried to play games and use the Black man; instead they attracted a player like themselves and got played.
Let me once again send out words to the wise: If you want respect, be respectable and respectful. If you dress like a hoochie, then expect to get treated like one. If you talk trash then you may be treated like trash.
If you treat a man like a dog he may see you as a female dog – and we all know what that is. But behave as a queen and good men will see you as one. You set the tone from the inside that your outside reflects. Be what you are looking for and you are much more likely to find it – and to deserve it.
Some women are constantly on the edge, disgusted at the hand they think life has dealt them, and repeatedly quote Bible verses to convince themselves that they are O.K. The truth be told, it is the life you made, the men you chose and the legs that were unpegged.
Yes, dire confusion abounds in the midst of the so-called blame game. Many Black women are confused as to what they really want—a good man? An intense sex partner? A man to pay their bills? A man who will do what they want while they do their thing? A father for, and not to, their children? Their “baby’s daddy” to act as they think he should?
Far, far, too many of you are extremely confused and are unable to focus on what is best for you. As a result, you take on the role of a quasi-alchemist, and end up trying to mix things that do not mix and end up with a mess.
You must know what you want, what you need, and that you deserve the type of man that you seek.
Keep in mind that I acknowledge there are trifling, lazy, sorry, manipulative African-American men who use women. I also acknowledge that so many broken African-American men failing to step up have contributed to role reversals and you’re being forced into roles you never wanted to occupy. But I would suggest to you that in many cases, they make your problems worse, not cause them.
The reason you choose the men you do goes more to the root of the problem.
Like it or not, another reason many of you are confused is because roles are confused in this society and in our culture in particular.
One thing is certain, regardless of who you consider God to be, no religion or sound belief system teaches God is homosexual or lesbian. In fact, such behavior is not condoned by Judaism, Islam or Christianity.
Sadly, today many of you have joined the mainstream mode of thinking and many of you do not know if you are a woman or a man, if you want a woman or a man or the clear-cut divine purpose for either. And please remember that by saying “Jesus loves everybody” does not mean He loves the deviant behavior everybody follows.
Most Black women connect and gravitate towards others who are willing to agree with them, even when they both are completely wrong?
You find yourself making excuses that the problem is everybody else’s: it’s the job’s fault, the man’s fault, the kid’s fault – anybody’s fault but yours. This is denial at its peak and certainly time to look in the mirror. You chose the job, you chose the man, and you chose to have kids. So, face it, the real problem lies in your ability or lack of ability to make smart choices.
And please stop taking advice from angry, bitter, alone or confused women.
The solutions are easier than you think. The first step is looking in the mirror and stop blaming others. God may be the door to your happiness but you are the key that unlocks the door.
Get on the right proactive track and attack the identified problems with all that you have within you, and keep track of your progress. Your future is up to you.
Now you know the deal, so start getting real. Turn away from the blame game and head straight towards fame.
Aleuta—The struggle continues.