Children learn more from what you are, than from what you teach: W.E.B DuBois.
There is an urgent need to talk about issues that are staring us in the face. After all you know that I am all about progress for the race and the community as a whole, so I have got to tell the truth regardless of whose ox it gores.
I am fully aware that raising children is not an easy task; however, I hope that the single parent in the home raising the children that they are conscious of the messages they are conveying. Recently, I came face to face with some of the ills that are plaguing our community— like children being dropped off as if school even in its new form is still a daycare, or free- time resumption for the parents, without even a care of whom their child’s teacher is, or the curriculum by which their child would be taught in this current altered school setting. Some parents will never be seen again until report card time.
However, my most alarming encounters and deep concerns have come from young girls being raised in single parent homes, with the mother being the primary parent.
One situation in question involves a 10 year old, who was out of uniform, and was being given a replacement uniform, which turned out to be Size 16. Yes, she fitted a Size 16. She was happy that she fitted in the Size 16 pants, telling me that “my mother says I am thick”, while smiling as if that is really something that a 10 year old should be told and also be happy to repeat.
She did not say that it was her father who said that she was thick, as if it was a compliment for a 10 year old. This is a young child that looks like a grown woman, and when some sick predator looks at that body, what does he see?
Her mentality is not ready for that type of attention, so why is mother telling her such things. Sounds like a madam grooming her daughter.
Fathers teach their daughters what a man looks like, how a man should treat her and so on. Guess what mothers teach their daughters … womanhood. Currently a lot of young girls are getting warped lessons from their mothers.
Another young student who had failed to complete her homework, when question as to the likely factors that hindered completion, blurted out in an unfeigned child-like manner, “mommy’s friend slept over and they were in the room, talking and laughing all night and I couldn’t concentrate… I am sorry”.
Mothers must always keep in mind that what they do is as equally important as what they say, so make sure to model the lessons you wish to teach. Children are like sponges they model everything that you do and incorporate what they see into their own lives as they get older. It is important that the right example is set for the child to follow.
On a cautionary note single parent, please remember that you are your child’s authority that is your role and responsibility. You are not your child’s friend; do not try to be friends with your child as not only does it come at the cost of your authority, but it also severely undermines your role as a parent. If it is you who is in need of a friend then I suggest you look elsewhere. Spare the thought that your daughter will like you more if you are her friend. Underneath it all, she may not want you as a friend, being just content to have you as a parent.
Another mistake PRESENT MOTHERS often make is that of creating role conversion, where the child while still a child, serves as the parent’s confidante. So when a parent says, “I want to be her friend, and I want her to be my friend”. What is really being said is, “I want to be her confidant.”
Believe me that just does not fit with the functional role of a parent. For example, mothers start sharing with the child how they feel about the absent father and occasionally by extension his family or how they feel about a particular neighbor, or even how they feel about the child’s teacher.
This is totally ineffective because the child is not morally, emotionally, or intellectually prepared to play that role. If you are 30 or 40 and desire a confidant, then look for a 40 year old or a 50 year old.
Just get this one thing straight— your 14 year-old or your 12 year-old daughter cannot be your confidante…. never.
When you make your child your confidant, you are saying that you and the child are co-decision makers, but you and the child are not in any realistic way. A child can offer you her opinion. They can tell you their likes and dislikes but certain decisions—especially important ones—have to be made by you, the parent. If you make your child your confidant and disrespect authority figures in front of her please do not be surprised when he disrespects that authority figure right in front of you.
Conclusively, always dress like a mother and not like the “other” rivaling your daughter for center stage or male (a tension) attention.
Each day of your life you are making deposits in the memory banks of your children. . Do not worry that your child never listens to you, worry that they are always watching you.
More importantly, do we not see who may be influencing them the most? The mothers.
Yes, some of our daughters are being corrupted by their very own mothers. So please do not tell me or talk about the absent fathers. Truth be told, I am more concerned about the mothers who are present and the damage being done to our children.
Aleuta—– The struggle continues.